About a year ago, my husband asked me if it would be helpful for him to write something geared toward loss dads. Because there is such a void when it comes to support for men going through child loss, I jumped at the offer. In the end, he wrote something to both loss dads and partners who are watching their significant other battle postpartum depression. Here is what he wrote:
Helping Men Through Postpartum Depression and Infant Loss
By Ben Fulford
In Memory of Jaron Fulford
Postpartum depression and infant loss are two topics that are seldom discussed. While more attention has been brought to these subjects in recent years, the reality of the situation is that these topics are ones that most people tend to keep to themselves. There are resources out there for women suffering in these areas, but there isn’t much out there for men. I hope to remedy that to some extent by providing a guide for men dealing with these two specific issues.
First and foremost, I am not a therapist or doctor. I don’t claim to be an expert on this subject, nor do I have all the answers. I am a father who lost a child shortly after birth to a rare genetic condition. It has been eight years since I lost my son, and I still grieve to this day. I have also witnessed and experienced postpartum depression firsthand. My wife was diagnosed with it after each one of our three children. It is my hope that I can convey what insight I have gained through these life lessons to better equip and prepare men for what they are experiencing or what may be coming down this difficult road.
Postpartum Depression
Postpartum depression often catches people unaware and hits them when they are least expecting it. After all, many people consider the birth of a child a very happy time. It can be hard to even talk to people without friends and family wishing the parents the best. The parents have often spent considerable time preparing for the baby and making sure all the boxes on the newborn list are checked. The social stigma is that a person should be overjoyed for this change in life. While there is a lot to celebrate, things can go downhill quickly.
Unfortunately, reality sets in shortly after the child is born. Medical bills begin to roll in, paid time off from work is either non-existent or limited, and sometimes a wide variety of issues concerning the mother’s and baby’s health can surface. On top of all that, postpartum depression begins to form in the person you love most. One day a father can be on top of the world with pride and joy only to be met with strife, grief, stress, or depression the next.
There are many different reasons that postpartum depression can occur. One of the more common ways is a mix up/surge of hormones and chemicals within the body that happens to the mother during the childbirth. Advancement in medical research and science has made the birthing process easier and better in many ways, but it doesn’t stop the natural course of how a woman’s body chemically reacts while the child is being born. Every woman has her own reaction to this hormone explosion, but it comes in varying degrees. Many women may experience depression or a general sense of pure panic and anxiety for a few days, a few hours, or maybe only for a few minutes. Other women will experience this chemical imbalance in all sorts of challenging ways for months or possibly even years.
A second way for postpartum depression to rear up is through uncontrollable mental anxiety and stress. Considering the change in life, career, and relationships, there is a lot for the new mom to handle. Real and false expectations are placed on mothers, and it can become overwhelming. From having troubles breastfeeding a hungry, screaming baby to being able to connect with the child, there is a spectrum of causes.
Regardless of the reason, when postpartum depression sets in, it can seemingly come out of nowhere. It will make your partner act and think differently than she ever has before. One important thing to remember is that when this depression occurs, she is not necessarily doing or saying things that she really means. While she may have the best intentions for the baby, herself, and you, problems and tensions in the relationship will rise.
What might seem like a simple problem to you could seem like a monumental task to her. Things like the layout of the baby’s room or the clothes the baby is wearing for the day can get complicated. A planned family outing can take a turn for the worst in no time. In these sorts of situations, I recommend pausing, taking some deep breaths, and taking a step back. Listen to what she has to say. You may think she is being unreasonable, but that doesn’t mean that she is. She may just be seeing the situation from an overwhelmed (and possibly chemically imbalanced) point of view. Don’t try to fix the situation, try to understand it. Ask her what it is she needs you to do. Offer your help, but not necessarily your advice.
One of the most significant ways that I found I could be of use is helping with the baby. This not only gives mom a chance to relax and gather her thoughts, but it also gives you a chance to connect with your child. If you play your cards right, you might also score a few points with your lady. There are a lot of ways you can help with the baby that are easy and enjoyable. Once you have mastered those, then there are the ones that take courage and patience.
A great way to be helpful is to wake up with the baby for feedings at night. I know that you are tired from work and have an early day coming up, but getting out of bed at night with the baby is huge. Feeding the baby a bottle and rocking them to sleep in the middle of the night not only gives mom a chance to sleep, but it also shows her that you care. Even when she is still breastfeeding, you can get up after she has finished and rock the baby back to sleep.
I caught up on a lot of movies I had been wanting to watch during those late nights. I also got a chance to bond with my infant sons in a way you just don’t get to during the waking hours. There is something special about it being just the two of you hanging out at 2 am. I look back fondly on some of those nights now, but at the time, it could be grueling. This job will be tough, it will be exhausting, and sometimes it will be very frustrating. Just remember, even if the baby won’t stop crying, helping in that situation means the world to your partner. It is very rare to find a working father getting up with the baby every night. Try this, and you might be surprised with the results.
Another way to be helpful is to take the baby on your own as much as possible. I know there are lakes to be fished, careers to be followed, and sports games to be watched, but you are a father. Take some time when you get home from work to gather your thoughts, but make sure to take the baby off her hands when you can. She is worn out and overworked as well, even if you don’t think so.
One of the ways I found that worked out well was taking the baby for walks. This not only gives you some exercise, but it also gives the baby a chance to experience the great outdoors. Whether it’s a stroller, a carrying sling, or even for a drive, taking the baby out of the house and away from mom can be especially helpful. This will build your confidence in caring for the baby, as well. I was terrified to take our first son on my own, but after a few trips and a whole lot of disasters, I became proficient at it.
Taking the baby frequently can be a great thing for all the parties involved, but it can also come with a few problems. One of the main concerns is being prepared. You need your partner to be able to trust you with the baby. I know it’s not manly to have a baby bag hanging over your shoulder, but having the right tools for the job is essential.
Years ago, we were at a family birthday party for my father-in-law in a very crowded Japanese tappanyaki restaurant. As the cook was frying up the food in front of us on the skillet while performing tricks and entertaining the crowd, my infant son had a massive poop explosion. It was one of those where it soaks the white clothes and turns them brown up the back. In this situation I could have let my wife handle it, but knowing how she was feeling and what she was struggling with, I decided to take on the dirty job. The bathrooms were full, and my only option was in the back seat of the car in the packed parking lot. It was a day that I will always remember for two reasons. The first is that it was incredibly gross, and I ran out of wet wipes. The second is that I helped my wife avoid a moment that could have ended in complete disaster.
It may be a challenging adjustment for you, but that’s ok. You can handle anything the baby throws at you, or poops at you. Remember to pack extra wipes, diapers, a change of clothes, and most importantly, a bottle. You may think that people are looking down on you, but you will gain the respect of a lot of people for being a capable and skilled father.
Going on all sorts of adventures with the baby is great, but don’t forget to include mom occasionally. I usually took the kids for most of the weekend to give my wife a break. While she did appreciate this a lot at first, Saturday became known as “Daddy Day.” In my mind, I thought I was being helpful, but in my wife’s, we were enjoying family time without her. Remember to invite her along when you plan things with the baby and the other kids if that’s the case. She may or may not end up going, but don’t leave her out.
Postpartum depression can look wildly different for each woman. While they may share similarities in one or many categories, you never know how it’s going to totally play out. If you want to help your partner overcome this condition, you will need to remember that this is not about you, it’s about her mental health. It’s about raising a child while keeping a balance in your lives.
Simple tasks like doing some of the household chores your partner used to perform or cooking a meal can be very meaningful. Giving her a back rub after a long day or drawing up a bath for her can prove to be valuable tools at your disposal. Essentially, the goal here is to make her feel like you are part of the team. You want her to know that you support her even in this difficult time, and that you are willing to step out of your comfort zone to help.
Try not to constantly ask her what chores you should be doing or reminder her of what you have done. This will appear either helpless and annoying or prideful and judgmental. Take some initiative and control over the situation and get your house in order. Trust me, she will appreciate it, and you can feel a sense of accomplishment even if you find those things to be trivial.
The harsh truth of postpartum depression is that no matter how hard you may try, some women will need medication for this diagnosis regardless of your actions. Medication is a tricky subject, because everyone will have their own opinion. If this disorder is diagnosed by a doctor or therapist and medication is advised, I would urge women to consider it.
If your partner is given medication to treat the depression, it could take a couple of weeks to really see a difference. There are many types of anti-depressants to try. Her doctor will prescribe the one that seems most appropriate. It is possible that she will have a negative reaction to the medication prescribed. If this is the case, you should encourage her to go back to the doctor and find a new pill that will work. Once you get the right medicine going, there should be a difference, and it will be good. You just need to have some patience.
Although it is helpful, the anti-depressant medication can have some side effects, as well. Many women gain weight while on anti-depressant medication. This happens for several reasons, but the main thing to remember is that it is not her fault. She might very well be trying to keep the weight off, but the medication can make that very difficult. Try to be understanding and supportive of this. She is already going to be feeling bad about herself; adding fuel to that fire is never helpful.
Along these same lines, you may also find that the anti-depressant kills her sex drive. Regardless of the amount of intimate time before, once she starts on this medicine, that can all change. Be mindful that she is not purposefully doing this. It’s not that you are no longer appealing to her in that way; the medication is altering the way her body and mind are functioning. This can be a challenging aspect of the diagnosis. I think it requires understanding and grace on both sides of the relationship. However you chose to deal with this unfortunate side effect, being honest with your partner about your needs and having self-control are critical to maintaining a healthy relationship.
You may also find that your partner has little interest in doing the activities you both used to enjoy. While this can be frustrating, make it a priority to find something you can both agree on. Keep in mind that your partner is still the woman you fell in love with, she is just dealing with some tough stuff. You will probably end up doing a lot of activities involving babies and children. Instead of looking at this as being a chore or an obligation, look at it as a time to bond with your child.
There are situations however that demand more than medication. Thankfully, my wife and I never got to this level, but there are times when postpartum depression can turn very ugly. Some women can become suicidal or attack their partner and children. While this is more of a rare situation, you should be keeping an eye out for odd behavior. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. If your partner does not want to listen to what you have to say, I suggest contacting one of her friends or family members who is trustworthy to help. You may be forced into a situation that seems relationship-ending, but getting your partner the help she needs during a difficult time could very well save her life.
While postpartum depression can be challenging and sometimes even devastating, let’s not forget that there is still a new baby in the house. Having kids is one of the great joys in life. They grow up fast, so have fun with them and invest in them while they are young. The baby may seem like it only cares about eating and sleeping, but it is taking in stimulus from all angles, constantly. The more you put into your partner’s recovery and your baby’s life, the more you will eventually get out of it. Whether you like it or not, you are now a father. Be a father that you can be proud of.
Baby Loss
While I have addressed some ways to cope and deal with postpartum depression, there is another side to this story that is much darker. This side is infant loss and grief. Investing your time in the child can be a very helpful strategy to combat postpartum depression, but infant loss leaves you with nothing. Depression and grief go hand-in-hand, which is why I have decided to combine these two topics. Postpartum depression can affect women who have lost a baby as well. This makes the situation even more devastating.
Infant loss can come in a variety of ways, but in the end, it is basically all the same. Society tends to overlook miscarriage as not being as significant as infant loss. A miscarriage can be just as traumatic as having your baby die in your arms or pass away in their sleep six months after birth. Often, a miscarriage is more detrimental to the mother than the father. Even though the father feels the loss and can be hit by incredible grief, it is hard for him to understand what the mother is going through.
In the case of a miscarriage or stillbirth, the mother has the baby inside of her moving and kicking. She makes a physical and emotional connection with the baby that the father does not have. Without that physical interaction, sometimes it is difficult for the father to make that emotional bond. Sure, we can feel the baby kick her belly once in a while, but that is pretty much the extent of our physical interaction with the growing baby.
Many women have felt unheard and rejected because society has deemed the lives of unborn babies as not even human. If a person hears a woman had a miscarriage, they tend to give her a sympathetic response or hug but not much more than that. If the baby passes away after it was born, the situation usually calls for a funeral and a much more overall feeling of communal grief. My point here is that miscarriage is still the loss of a child. Life-long grief and depression can still occur even if the baby was only a month or two along in the womb.
Child loss is one of life’s most brutal realities. Not only are your hopes and dreams taken from you without your consent, but a part of you dies as well. This was a life you created, and now it is gone. Losing a child was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I don’t wish it on anyone.
My wife and I found out that something was wrong with our son Jaron very early on in the pregnancy. We went to a high-risk pregnancy expert after some complications were found on an ultrasound. There were so many things wrong with our son that having him at our local hospital was out of the question. We chose one of the best hospitals in the country for his condition. Thankfully, it was close to where my wife’s family lives. My wife received exceptional prenatal care, and we investigated every avenue of help to try to save him. My son Jaron was born in one of the best children’s hospitals in the world, and even they could not save him. He passed away only a couple days after birth from a rare genetic disorder called Cornelia deLange Syndrome.
As I have stated previously, I am not a grief counselor, nor am I an expert by any means. I have walked this road though, and it is not for the faint of heart. In fact, couples that stay together after the loss of a child are rare. If you can manage to work things out, your relationship will be stronger for it. There are many reasons for this, but one of the main ones is how grief is processed.
My wife and I could not be more opposite in this area. To her, it was helpful and therapeutic to talk about Jaron. She wanted the world to know that he existed and mattered. She did a great job at preserving his memory. Thanks to her, we have photos, footprints, books, blankets, a stuffed bear, and other things to remember him by. She has also gone on to support women in similar situations.
On the other hand, I needed to process my grief internally. I did not want to talk to others about what happened and tended to withdrawal inside myself. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but when two people grieve separately and in opposite ways, a relationship can be split. Fights can occur with one person thinking that their way of grieving is the correct way.
The relationship can also take a bad turn when one person believes there is a time limit on grief. Trying to convince someone to get over their grief rarely works and usually just intensifies the situation. The best place to start is acknowledging how you process grief and being honest with your partner. If you can both understand how the other person is grieving, you will be able to give them more grace when it is required.
The depression that comes from the loss of a child can look very similar to postpartum depression mixed with post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. I have combined these two topics because a lot of the ideas and concepts I presented earlier can work to help support your partner in this as well. Helping around the house, taking your other children off your partner’s hands, and giving them some space can be very helpful.
In the same vein, expressing your feelings to your partner can help tremendously. Even just letting her know that you thought about the child that day is enough. I know that the social norm is for men to be tough and not cry during hard times, but when you lose a child, it’s okay. Humans are designed to cry. Even if you have never shed a tear in your whole adult life, the loss of a child is the one time when it is encouraged. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner either. Knowing that you are suffering alongside her gives her a connection to you. Many connections may be broken and destroyed between you, but making new ones that bind you together are what will help you ultimately pull through.
Grief counseling is also a great resource to take advantage of. We went to a group grief counseling session with two other couples that had a similar story. In some ways, it was a relief to feel some camaraderie with other people in the same situation. One of the couples we are still friends with today. There are many ways that counseling can work. My wife and I also went through marriage/grief counseling for over a year after the group was done. While I don’t think it is a mandatory requirement for processing grief, counseling can be incredibly helpful.
Comfort in grief can be found through religion, as well. A person’s faith in a higher power can often lead them to overcome the harshest trials in life. Counseling can often be found in religious institutions and is usually at a cheap price if not for free. While I think it is another valuable tool to have in your grief-processing box, don’t expect all your troubles to be fixed through religion. In fact, some of the most hurtful things said to people during their time of woe can come from religious family and friends. Be gracious when people are blunt and say the wrong thing. But you must also defend your partner if she is being bludgeoned with guilt over not recovering quickly enough through faith.
Helping your other children though the grief process should also be a priority to you. While they may not fully understand what is going on, they will feel the loss as well. Bare in mind, you lost a child, but they also lost a sibling. It is very easy to overlook how a child responds to grief. Our youngest son was born not too long after Jaron (less than two years). Even now at six years old, having never met his brother, he feels the loss. We encourage our sons to talk freely about their feelings regarding their brother. It is something that should not be kept a secret or forgotten. Children often put traumatic events to the back of their mind or block them out entirely. Even if the child is not talking about it, that grief is still there and can have lifelong effects if not properly dealt with.
Childhood counselors can be a great help in this area. Make sure that you are careful who you pick, and go the appointments with your child. Help them through this process and listen to what they have to say. There are a number of books written on helping children through this process. Some of them are even in storybook format for the kids. Do some research and find the ones that look promising. Leaving the death of a sibling unaddressed and kept quiet only leads to problems down the road. Your children are suffering, too.
Birthdays, family pictures, holidays, and childhood milestones are going to be rough. Even if you don’t feel them as emotionally as your partner does, you should acknowledge them and be supportive. You may even find that three or four years down the road, some of those days become harder for both you and your partner. This is natural.
You are going to have emotional triggers that make you break down or shut down. That is also normal. Let your partner know what is going on in your heart and mind. If you fall apart and stumble, let her help you and fill her in on how you are feeling. It is easy to shut people out and take the pain alone, but it can also be misinterpreted by the people you love the most. Be honest with them about it.
One way you can ease the pain is by doing something that brings positive memories of your child. We spread some of Jaron’s ashes on a peak in the mountain range we can see from our house. I thought it was a fitting place for my son. Even though he is not with me physically, he is with me emotional and spiritually when I am climbing the mountains and walking the peaks.
I also bought a piece of art that really spoke to me about him. I hung it in my office and every time I look at it, I am reminded of my boy. If you are artistic, you can paint something or create something that gives honor to your child. There are many options you can choose from if you put your mind to it.
Losing a child puts you in a club that no one wants to be in. There are a lot of us in that club, though. Once a member of this scarred club, you may discover that there is new meaning in certain things you overlooked before. A story in a book or movie may take on an entirely different meaning for you now that you know how it feels. A conversation with a friend or coworker may get much deeper and more meaningful when you connect over this issue. You may even find that religion has a much more significant meaning to you after such an event. For me personally, certain songs I once overlooked became far more meaningful when I realized what they were truly about concerning grief and loss. I wish I never had to experience seeing these things in a new light, but that is the way it is. I encourage you to look for some of these things and make a connection to the memory of your child.
Lastly, grief sticks with people for the rest of their lives. It fades over time for many people, but for others it doesn’t. Finding ways to work through grief is important and helping the ones you love work through it is critical. Rest assured that you are not alone. Countless people have walked this path before you and more will after. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if you need it. Child loss is a horrific event in a person’s life and should not be taken lightly.
In conclusion, if you are reading this paper then it means you are in some way connected with postpartum depression or child loss. I am truly sorry for what you are going through. None of these things I have listed are foolproof remedies or come without risk. Ultimately, this is a family’s journey to make together. If you support one another and stay honest about your feelings, you have a better chance of making it through.
Whether your relationship holds together or not, you need to make the baby a priority. If you and the mother separate, do everything humanly possible to stay in that child’s life. Even if you and your partner are at odds and no reconciliation is in sight, you can still support her by helping with the child as often as you can.
I hope that this discussion has prepared you somewhat for the bumpy road ahead. It’s not an easy path, but it’s the right path. The good news about postpartum depression is that many women pull through it once the chemicals have settled and the hormones have calmed down. If you are gracious and patient, things will probably work out for you just fine.
If you are one of us in the child loss club, hold your head up high. Honor your child when you can. Comfort your partner when it is needed. Guide your children all their lives and take the time to process your grief however you need to. There is no time limit on grief recovery.
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